Thursday, May 17, 2012

Hello nightmare, thy name is anxiety

ETA 5/18: Lucky me had another nightmare last night.  And this one did involve water, but thankfully still no kids.  I hope this isn't steady progression towards nightmarish... nightmares.  That would be lousy.

So last night's story involved a refugee settlement on a beach.  The beach was in a cove, surrounded by a low wall, along a small town.  People set up tarps and areas for their belongings, when the sky darkened, the  wind whipped up and the waves rose.  And the tide swept in.  People scrambled to save what they could and retreat to the wall.

I rescued a couple scrapbooks.  And our wedding photo.

And woke up very, very sad.

Let's see if I go 3-for-3 tonight.


As things wind down and major change approaches it truly is the calm before the storm.

Bring on the nightmares.

I get the typical symptoms of anxiety: a general uncomfortable feeling in the chest, difficulty focusing on anything, and a desperate need to clean something (which works really well for showing a house).  But I also get nightmares.  The last time I clearly recall this symptom was when we lived in Togo.  I would have visions of fast flowing water in a cavern with swirling whirlpools... and Jonathon falling in and being swept away.  It happened many nights, the same flashing water and the disappearance of my child.  I woke crying.

This time the anxiety nightmare didn't feature a child, and I'm thankful for that, and there was no water involved.  Instead, it was centered on me, and an attacker who wasn't trying to hurt me but did anyway, while he attempted to wrench the wedding rings and mother's ring from my finger.  I woke with a start and fumbled to determine whether my rings were still on my hand.  They were.  And while I waited for my heart to slow I didn't sleep for the next hour.

I could do without the nightmares, but I'm learning they come part and parcel with impending moves.  As long as they don't involves losing my family, I'll cope.

And since I can't focus on squat, I smartly decided to try my hand at something new that requires a ton of focus and two hands that work seamlessly together.

'Cause when you can't focus, you should learn to knit. 

I'm on my third tear-out and start-over.  But youtube is patient, so I'll keep plugging along, even if all I ever figure out is the knit stitch and all I ever make are yet more blankets.

One can never have too many blankets.

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