Monday, July 28, 2008

Rainy Days and Mondays.

Today happens to be both. In fact, it's been so overcast the past week or so it hasn't bothered anyone that the pool is drained. Yesterday the kids went outside to play in puddles between the scattered showers. But it's so overcast today, and drippy, that I can barely keep my eyes open. Oh sure I could blame it on staying up until midnight reading New Moon, but that would admit I had something to do with my droopiness. No no, it's much easier to blame it on the rain.

Really though, I am a little down today.

The bid list, oh the bid list. I'm practically dreaming bid list. I have my heart set on Romania. Well, I did yesterday.
Today being a drippy overcast day (have I mentioned that?), Rebecca pulled out old home movies to watch. We chuckled through some footage from Becca's birthday in Togo, and oohed and aahed over how tiny Sable was when we got her. We saw kids playing in pools and dacing on stage. Then a DVD was from the fall of 2002, right before Ian started A100. We saw our house in Woodbridge. The kids raking leaves, making snow angels, putting on puppet shows, playing Duck Duck Goose with daddy before they could even say the words. I can't believe how perfect that house was for us, and I didn't realize just how very much I miss it. We sold it in a fit of frustration while in Manila, and I'm so sad we did. The perfect layout, the perfect lot. It needed a bigger master bath and a carport, but that was about it. Oh, it could have used new carpeting, but with four little kids (Jonathon had just turned one at the beginning of the DVD, Katherine was in Kindergarten), the dark blue almost-shag was just right for us.
We sold it, made a nice profit, went to New Zealand on R&R with cash to blow. Still makes me sad. I spent about 10 minutes thinking in circles along the lines of "I am NOT in the right place, what am I doing in India, this is all wrong, I want to go home..." I snapped out of it, thank goodness. I took a nap.
The stars of the shows were, of course, the kids. And it hit me really hard how much I miss having a baby in the house. I really want another child. Or two. I know every parent thinks their kids are awesome, but the DVDs reminded me just how awesome they are and how wonderful home was with four little guys running around. I've wanted more kids since the day Jonathon was born, and I thought I had successfully stifled that desire over the past year (yes, I've been bitter and hopeful for many many years), but today it flared anew. It hurts. A lot.
So, it's rainy. It's dark. I miss home. Not just home, but MY home. And I miss my little babies. Don't get me wrong, the kids are still awesome. They are all smart, funny monsters, growing by leaps and bounds (Rebecca grew an inch from June to July this summer). But after watching the videos today even Nicholas said he wanted a baby sibling. Specifically a little sister. So now I have 4 kids who all say the family would be even better with another baby in it, and my own heart screaming the same.
Isn't it funny (not in a haha funny way, obviously) how life twists the knife sometimes?
Hopefully I can shove all this back down to my "Do No Open" corner of the brain in order to come back tomorrow is a happier mental state, provided the weather complies of course. But I'm not optimistic. Something needs to be done.

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