Saturday, August 2, 2003

Up and Down Days

It's been one of those weeks. Some days have been busy busy and we've had fun and enjoyed ourselves.

Ian went flying for the first time yesterday and brought back some bread from Bulacan (I'm a carb junkie), the kids have been pretty good, the weather has been good, I talked to my parents yesterday and my dad is home and sounding sore but recovering, school is starting soon, I've met another mom who went to Annandale High School and graduated a couple years before me, I've been feeling more together and in general life is going along smoothly.
Then last night I was looking through some posted photos and found a bunch of links to weblogs of folks I've been acquaintances with for 7 years, so I spent time reading through some of them. It made me feel so sad. These folks all know each other, hang out together, help each other out. They write messages on other blogs so authors know they're reading. They laugh, joke, talk about their kids. They comp each other and thank their friends for being in their lives. They have a community. I felt really alone.
I've done this to myself before. Get all worked up and then fall into a short-term depression bemoaning everything they have that I'm not a part of... the friendships, the compassion, the understanding, the shoulders to lean on. I get upset and ask "Why not me? Why aren't I ever included? I'm part of the same on-line community, why don't they ask me anything? Why am I left out, an uninvited one?" Even when I lived on the East Coast, I was never part of the group.
Usually that just leads to a crying jag about how lonely I am and how I have no friends, but not this time. I've left before but always slunk back. It's like I'm trying on different personas and different levels of involvement to see what would be accepted, and none are. It's time to quit that nonsense.
I looked at the big picture. Many of them have known each other for much longer than I have known any of them. I was several states away at the closest, so it's not like inviting someone from the town next door. I'm not a fuzzy warm giving person on-line. Simply put, I'm not a *hugs* giver. I have very little in common with them. I guess over the years I'd expected that to be a point of interest, but it seems that folks really do search out like individuals. I've tried to offer other viewpoints but I'm seeing now that those were probably seen as jamming my views into other people's faces.
I think the hardest part is losing the folks we thought we were closest to when we did live nearby. There were a few. Even those people have dropped us. Out of sight, out of mind does apply.
I shouldn't be hurt that people haven't invited me into their lives. Proximity does play a huge role and I will accept that. When we go back to the East Coast, I don't expect anyone outside my family to notice.
This all sounds like I'm begging for attention doesn't it? Actually, I think I'm finally coming to grips that what I was hoping for won't exist there, and it's time to move on. The lifestyle we have doesn't open itself to long-term friendships, people are either just arriving or just leaving. But while we're here, we have fun. The shoulder thing will have to wait.

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